20th Anniversary - Maureen Craig Anniversaries are when we take time to reflect - where have we come from, where are we going; what's different, what's the same. A lot has happened within ARMS in 20 years. 20 years ago ARMS members met anonymously in each other's homes and in rented rooms. Now we meet in this beautiful heritage building in the middle of the city with our name boldly displayed for all to see. What changed? Before ARMS those of us who lost children to adoption carried within us a black hole, a heavy burden - call it what you will- made up of unspoken grief for our lost babies; guilt at having "given up" our babies, shame at getting ourselves into that situation in the first place (somehow it always seemed like it was entirely our fault - there must have been an awful lot of immaculate conceptions) poor self-esteem and any number of other negatives that society, our families and we ourselves piled onto us. Most of us told very few if anyone else our very guilty secret, even though it informed every aspect of our lives. We quickly learned that trying to talk about it, whether to friend or professional counsellor, was mostly met with little understanding and often with disapproval. ARMS came along and gave us a forum where we could meet and talk openly about our experience, where we could be understood and accepted, not judged. ARMS was where we were able, many years after the event, to begin our grieving. I remember one member remarking that being at her first ARMS support meeting was like suddenly meeting people who spoke her language after living for many years in a foreign land. Twenty years later self-help support continues to be the foundation stone of ARMS. From those small beginnings ARMS flourished and grew. Grief, guilt and shame turned into feelings of anger and betrayal, which were turned into action. In the mid eighties ARMS, together with Jigsaw and others, lobbied for legislative changes and in 1988 the new Adoption Act came into being, enabling adopted adults and natural mothers access to information about each other. South Australia was the first State to allow natural mothers access to information about their children, for which Valma Gay a long time ARMS member, was largely responsible. Whilst lobbying politicians Valma said, 'Let's go for what we want, not what we think we will get' and it worked! Not long afterwards ARMS was awarded a grant from the Government of the day. These two events - legislative change and regular ongoing funding - heralded great changes for ARMS. Members began to meet their sons and daughters and we were able to employ our own counsellor. Before this, many of us dreamed and hoped that we would eventually meet our children and somewhat naively believed that this would bring the end of our suffering - the ubiquitous happy ending we have all seen on TV! Don't get me wrong - there were and are many happy endings, but there were and are many rocky patches in between. Yesterday I was reading ARMS' 1992 annual report in which our then counsellor, Meg Hale, stated that - Developing a relationship with an adult son or daughter, when that person is also a stranger, is not an easy process and it has implications for all family members. Even the 'happiest' of contacts has moments of hesitancy and concern. Contact and post-contact counselling has proven to be very helpful to many families. And that was the really great thing - ARMS was there to support and assist members and their families -by attending support meetings, having sessions with the ARMS counsellor, or both. And throughout this time ARMS was learning much - about the negative impact of adoption on all parties, but especially on natural mothers and, in many instances on adopted people. And we were beginning to be seen as the experts in this field, and receiving referrals from government departments and health professionals. Since then ARMS has developed a strong community awareness program in an attempt to educate the community about the 'other' side of the adoption story, to give a more holistic picture of adoption. This takes many forms - the quilt hanging on the wall was the centrepiece of a public exhibition in 1992; the display boards you can see have been to most of Adelaide's major shopping centres, including Rundle Mall. It is not unusual to find ourselves before television cameras, radio microphones or telling our stories to print journalists - something hardly to be contemplated 20 years ago and a sign that we have indeed, almost come of age. There have been a number of other significant changes over the years, but I shall look at only 2. Twenty years ago we began as the Australian Relinquishing Mothers' Society, but came to believe that the word 'relinquishing' did not describe us, suggesting as it does that we had voluntarily come forward and handed over our babies. We now call ourselves the somewhat longwinded, Association Representing Mothers Separated From Their Children by Adoption, which tells it like it is and enables us to keep the ARMS acronym. We have made a number of changes to our constitution over the years, the most significant three or four years ago, when we inserted a clause stating that we would seek an end to the practice of adoption and support the creation of more appropriate alternative care options. This is a very real goal for ARMS and I sincerely hope that in another 20 years' time others will gather together to celebrate 40 years of ARMS and no more adoptions. So what has stayed the same? Perhaps flippantly, but not insignificantly, I could mention the ever-present financial constraints. ARMS is extremely grateful for the government funding we continue to receive. Without it we would not have grown and developed as we have. But the past many years are dotted with memories of going cap-in-hand to various government departments, of writing funding submissions to many benevolent societies and organising what fund-raising we could ourselves. Unfortunately, an organisation such as ARMS is not viewed as being particularly worthy. So, as usual, last Wednesday at our first management committee meeting for this financial year, one of the first things we did was elect a fund-raising committee. And already several funding submissions have been made and others are being prepared. Of course, throughout the many evolutions ARMS has undergone over the last 20 years the one constant has been the support, love and care that ARMS extends to all mothers who have lost children to adoption, and the enduring friendships that have developed amongst members based on that support. Maureen Craig Deputy Chairperson Life Member BACK      NEXT   © 2001 ARMS