When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
	When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's obsolete.
	When the going gets tough, upgrade.
	The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
	For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
	A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

	Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
	An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
	A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had turned the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still couldn't see the printer.

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

After spending half an hour trying to find an email problem, tech support discovered that the sweet old lady was typing in her home P.O. Box address@domain and didn't understand why it didn't work.

When asked for his "user" name, a customer provided a list of all family members including himself.

A Dell customer called tech support to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.

A woman called the Canon help desk about a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her Mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" command and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Actual Notes Written by Parents to Excuse Their Kids from School...

• You didn't realize Sunday was Easter until you read your Dilbert calendar.

• When your wife puts on sexy lingerie and lures you into bed, you stop her because you have to check your e-mail first.

• When you are in the mood for a party atmosphere, you go to a chat room.

• You feel behind the times because you still watch movies on tapes instead of DVDs.

• You start believing the NBA players , Judges and Politicians deserve a raise.

• You open a family business with yourself as the president, and the other family members try to squeeze you out.

• At bars you give out your e-mail address instead of phone numbers.

• You'd go to the park to enjoy a spring afternoon, but there aren't any modem jacks.

• You read about the sweatshop workers and think of how tragic their situation is before going to work in your 4'x4' cubicle for twelve hours.

• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  
  

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  
  

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
  

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  
  

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  
  

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  
  

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  
  

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
  

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
  

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  
  

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
  

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  
  

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  
  

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  
  

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
  

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
  

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  
  

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  
  

• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  
  

• Success always occurs in private. Failure occurs in full view.
  
  

• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  
  

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  
  

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  
  

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  
  

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
  
  

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  
  

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
  

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  
  

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
  

• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  
  

• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  
  

• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  
  

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
  
  

• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

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Produced by Karen Day kday@chariot.net.au South Australia Last updated: 30/06/2000 Version 1.0

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