CATASTROPHIC FAILURE TABLE

The following table is meant more in jest than anything else.
01-04 You fart very loudly and burn a hole in your pants. Everyone looks at you in disgust.
05-08 The pattern in which you swing your weapon accidentally traces an arcane sigil. A demon lord appears and eats one nearby person at random. 
09-12 For the moment, you are concerned with only two words: Spontaneous...Combustion.
13-16 Your enemy has somehow removed your skeletal structure. Having no bones isn't all bad though. If you really try, you can push yourself through a mail slot.
17-20 You have suffered a severe head injury. As a result of the trauma, you must say the word Timmy at least once in every sentence...forever.
21-24 A passing seagull shits in your eye. Your blow hits a random victim.
25-28 You trip over your own feet. People stop to point and laugh, even if there were no other people in the area beforehand.
29-32 You trip and accidentally castrate yourself with your weapon.
33-36 You miss your intended character completely, instead seriously injuring a passing member of some endangered species. Within seconds you are assaulted by D6 animal rights activists.
37-40 You orgasm with the strength of your attack. Your pants are very uncomfortable for D6 rounds.
41-44 Your weapon flies out of your hand and into a corn field where it bounces around carving out a crop circle. Aliens arrive in D10 rounds and anal probe you.
45-48 A portal opens up underneath you leading straight to hell. You fall in (by Cherico).
49-52 You destroy a main structural support and the building collapses killing all inside (by Cherico).
53-56 D10 flying piranhas come out of nowhere and attack you (by Cherico).
57-60 A passing god is so incensed at your pathetic failure that he sends a lighting bolt doing 2D6 damage to teach you a lesson (by Cherico).
61-64 Your failure ends up on the lighter side of the local news. It is seen by everyone and you gain infamy as a bumbling incompetent (by Cherico).
65-68 You hit an actor of the same sex. For the next week D4 paparazzi will hound you to find out if it was a lovers spat (by Cherico).
69-72 You accidentally hit a mafia don. D6 hit men will be sent after you (by Cherico).
73-76 Your blow destroys a strip club. You have D4 minutes to flee before D6 pimps run over to lay the smack down on you (by Cherico).
77-80 You hit a petrol truck. You get to see a pretty explosion. The resultant fire eventually destroys D4 city blocks (by Cherico).
81-84 You hit a fire hydrant, water is now everywhere (by Cherico).
85-88 You hit a little child's pet. D4 parents and siblings attack you (by Cherico).
89-92 Your failure is so great that D4 dead family members come back from the dead to publicly chastise you (by Yukon).
93-96 Your belt suddenly gives out and your pants drop to your ankles. Nice undies! (by Bookwyrm).
97-00 Nothing. You're frozen in place for D4 minutes. Also known as the Awkward Comedic Pause (by Bookwyrm).

 

Critical Tables Catastrophic Hit