The Posture Theory Homepage

The Hypochondria Webpage

Hypochondria in Time Magazine

The Cyberchondria Webpage

Types of Hypochondria

The Whiteley Index (14 questions)

The Gullibility Test (10 questions)

The Doctors Honesty Test (10 questions)

 

The Hypochondria Test ©

This simple test can be used to explain why some patients read medical books and try to cure their own ailments.

To be contrasted with the Whiteley Index

Also relevant to hypochondriacal neurosis, hypochondriasis, hysteria, somatoform, somatization, and conversion disorders which should be more appropriately called The Undetectable Disorders, as such terminology is more honest, truthful, and accurate, and provides no corruption, prejudice, or loading of meaning.

Click here to go straight to The Hypochondria Test (60 questions)

 

Joke number 335. Why do people read medical books?

a. Because they need the knowledge in order to pass their medical exam

b. Because they need the knowledge in order to deal with diseases that doctors can't understand or cure.

c. Because they need the material for their doctor jokes;

Did you hear the one about a pesky bug called helicobacter pylori; it ate a big hole in the stress theories.

(If the cause of disease is not correctly identified all treatment will inevitably fail, as was the case with stomach ulcers i.e. you can't kill bacteria with antacids or talk therapy, and attempting to convince a patient that the ulcer is caused by stress, when it is not, and then not providing a real cure, can be extremely annoying. Doctors can also be intensely irritating when they say that the treatment "should have worked" when it didn't, and when they imply that it is the patients fault that the treatment failed, or that the patient is just after sympathy, or wants the treatment to fail". Some doctors actually give the impression that they will continue with that type of insidious harassment relentlessly because they want the patient to go away and never come back, and the only way for the patient to achieve peace of mind is to avoid doctors as much as possible and solve the problem themselves using whatever skills and resources are available. Some doctors then try to frustrate patients further by telling them that reading medical books is a sign of insanity, and in fact they twist everything around to suit their own view of the world. If the doctor doesn't solve the problem and the patient is deterred from doing so they are left in a situation which is absolutely hopeless. In such cases the doctor isn't part of the cure, he is part of the problem, and if you stop consulting doctors you remove half of the problem immediately).

Joke number 336. Imagine this

At a recent medical conference about the cause of hypochondria an eager young doctor stood up and said "I think it is caused by a fear of disease", and another said "I think that they are all timid and meally mouthed and are afraid of exercise, people, the world, and everything". another sprouted "I think it is due to depression", and then another said "I think that they are turning deep seated sub conscious psychological problems into physical symptoms", and yet another keen young doctor said "I think it is due to an overactive imagination", and yet another neophyte sprung to his feet and said "I think that hypochondriacs have excessive introspection", and another said "I think that they ruminate too much about trivial health problems", and then came the suggestion "I think that hypochondriacs have nothing better to do with themselves" but then a bright spark with a real gift said "I think that they take life and death too seriously and should lighten up a bit and think more humorously".

Just then a hypochondriac stood up in the middle row and said "Mr. Chairman, I am going to the cafe next door to have a salad and a glass of apple juice, and when your illustrious wizards eventually decide which is their best idea could you please let me know and I'll tell you what is wrong with it".

Joke number 337. Leaping to conclusions

The young doctor said that hypochondriacs were ignorant people who leapt to the conclusion that they were ill on the basis of the flimsiest of evidence, and that they were all fools who were irrationally obsessed with their trivial health problems every hour of every day for years, sometimes even decades. A curious and inquisitive hypochondriac then asked "and how long have you been trying to understand the riddle of hypochondria which has been baffling the entire medical profession for thousands of years???" and the young doctor replied "about a week".

Click here for more doctor jokes

 

What is hypochondria - These 60 questions will explain if a patients interest in medicine is warranted or not.

Some Introductory Notes About The Author of These Tests

1965. I probably injured my knee in 1965 when I somersaulted from a 10 foot high unicycle. I can recall that I hyperflexed my knee on landing. This produced an odd sensation but there was no pain at the time. Soon after this incident I was diagnosed with a torn cartilage which was surgically removed. Upon returning to my desk job 6 weeks later I had to stand for an hour each morning to open mail at a bench. This aggravated and sustained pain following surgery but my doctor was not confident enough to refer me to a specialist to get a medical certificate which would give me the medical authorisation to avoid that standing work. I was therefore crippled for 6-9 months before I was coincidentally transferred to another job which did not involve standing, and the pain cleared up and I returned to gymnastics. Fourteen years later I injured my other knee while playing volleyball as part of a fitness programme to treat fatigue. I told my doctor that I seemed to have the same sort of cartilage injury as before but he tested my knee and said there was nothing wrong with it. I was therefore a cripple for 18 months until a physiotherapist, and then a knee surgeon confirmed the injury and operated on my cartilage. Post operative complication set in and I was crippled for another 18 months until further surgery repaired damaged synovial tissue. During this time I read a medical book which gave information on how to prevent that sort of complication. I have had minor problems with that knee ever since.

1972. I was experiencing an aching pain in my left and right kidney area whenever I leaned toward a desk to count coins as part of my work as an accounting clerk in approximately 1972. My doctor told me that there was nothing wrong but 2 months later an x-ray revealed a kidney stone in my left kidney. A few years later I awoke at 2 a.m. in agony. X-rays confirmed that the pain was caused by a kidney stone which was surgically removed about 10 days later. I continued to get aching in the left and right side of my back whenever I leaned forward repeatedly or whenever my back was exposed to cold breezes so I avoided bending activities and wore a padded undershirt to protect my back from the cold. About 15 years later an x-ray taken for another reason revealed that I still had a cluster of stones in my left kidney. Several years later a CAT scan revealed a 10 cm cancerous tumor which was blocking my left kidney. This was treated with surgery and chemotherapy. I still get occasional aches in both kidneys and I still have stones in my left kidney.

1975. In 1975 I was having severe problems with my health but my doctor told me that there was no evidence of illness. I attended a medical research programme to improve my fitness as I thought it might relieve the problems. Ergometric tests revealed a result of zero. This compared with test results for athletes of 1200, and people with an average fitness of 900, and recovering heart attack patients of 600. I was told that the test was scientifically designed and that the results were impossible to fake. Four years later I wrote The Posture Theory, part of which proposes that postural pressure on the chest impedes blood flow from the abdomen to the brain causing a permanent alteration to haemodynamics which results in chronic fatigue. About 10 years later I submitted a sample of my urine to a chronic fatigue research programme at Newcastle University. The results confirmed that I had metabolic abnormalities at the maximum extreme, which were consistent with the results of other patients who had severe chronic fatigue. In the mid 1990's, for the first time, The Australian Medical Association officially recognised the chronic fatigue syndrome as a real illness.

1975-1985 During these years I was getting the common cold several times a year which seemed to be associated with cold weather and cold breezes, but doctors advised me that this was not so. I started wearing warm protective clothing and sealed all of the rooms in my home to prevent breezes and I stopped getting colds.

1985-1993 During this period I already had a lot of acquired medical knowledge to deal with my own health problems and spent some time listening to talk back radio shows and heard doctors frequently telling outright lies to the public about ailments ranging from Whiplash Injuries to Chernobyl fallout, and I had more than 120 letters to the editor and articles published in newspapers and magazines warning the public about such things.

1994. A blood test revealed evidence of cancer in my blood early in 1994 (approximately) and a follow up cat scan confirmed the presence of multiple tumours between my neck and my groin. Some of these cancers were up to 2cm in diameter and were close to vital structures such as my liver and kidneys, and the arteries near my heart. Shortly after that a bone marrow biopsy showed evidence of cancer in my bone marrow, and follow up surgery to remove a gland in my groin revealed cancer in the gland. A cancer specialist then told me that a cure might have been possible if I only had one small 2 cm cancer in my neck, but as I had so many tumors of varying sizes, and as the disease had spread throughout my body, blood, and bone marrow, I would probably be dead within two months, and I was advised to finalise my financial affairs (i.e. to write a will). Four years later a cancer specialist told me that I did not have any evidence of cancer on any of my tests or scans, and that the previous specialists had misdiagnosed me. A year later I noticed a 2 cm lump in my neck which grew to 5cm within 12 months. It was diagnosed as an aggressive cancer which required immediate surgery and 6 monthly doses of chemotherapy. I was told that the chemicals would impair my immune system so I lived like a hermit for those 6 months to avoid infectious illnesses. 18 months later a cat scan revealed a 10 cm tumor blocking my left kidney. This was removed by surgery and chemotherapy which left me nauseus and ill for the best part of 11 months.

1995. Following a surgical procedure in 1995 I was advised that the operation had caused heart strain and heart enlargement and high blood pressure which would require me to avoid strenuous physical activity and to take blood pressure medication for the rest of my life, and that there was no cure.

1998. I think that it was in 1998 that I first felt a squeezing pain in my chest while walking to my letter box. This pain became a regular symptom occurring every 20 yards as I walked. I had to rest for about a minute for the pain to ease before continuing for another 20 yards. After several months of worsening problems I consulted a doctor who immediately diagnosed angina. A heart specialist confirmed the diagnosis and said that I should have coronary bypass surgery within two weeks or I could have a heart attack and die. I read a book on the subject and treated the condition with a vegetarian diet which relieved the problem within 6 months so surgery was not required.

2005. I am still alive in 2005 and at this point in time there is no evidence of high blood pressure, heart disease, or cancer, and I am not taking any medication, and I am not anxious, depressed, or mentally disoriented, and nowadays I rarely read medical books. In fact I have sold over half of my private collection, and the remaining 150 books have been collecting dust. However I still have problems associated with numerous aspects of my health which I am able to manage with my acquired medical knowledge. If you wish to know how I have survived you will need to read what I have written about the cause of disease on this website, and what I have written about the political and economic factors which influence medical ideas and practices which can be determined by doing the tests on this webpage. More of this information is available in my books which you can order and buy over the internet, or borrow from various public and educational libraries. M.B. Click here to order The Posture Theory 11th edition

Click here for more details about the author

 

You Do The Maths

298. "How can you determine which diseases of the modern world are 'all in the mind'?" said the pesky journalist to the hypochondriac . . . and the hypochondriac replied

"Oh! that should be easy; you just need to add up the number of diseases which were 'all in the mind' in the nineteenth century, and then deduct the number of diseases which have been detected in the twentieth century"

. . . and how were those diseases detected??" said the pesky journalist . . . "Oh! you know, by those new fangled things called microscopes, x-rays, CAT scans, MRI's, ultrasounds . . . and . . . um, er . . .and . . . c-c-c- . . . cough, splutter c-c-ca- . . . cough, splutter . . . c- c- camera pills etc." said the hypochondriac, the one who was becoming exhausted, the one with the chronic fatigue syndrome, the illness which was 'all in the mind' until recent ergometric and biochemical tests revealed its real cause.

 

The Hypochondria Test

A test for doctors, psychiatrists, medical students, research scientists, journalists, media analysts, patients, the general public, and web surfers.

Is it sensible for people to read medical books and surf the internet to get information about their health if a series of doctors has failed to provide them with a satisfactory explanation and a cure for their ailments???

This test will determine that.

Score '1' if you think that the answer is correct, and score '0' if you think it is wrong, and then add up the total and draw your own conclusions about the results.

 What Doctors, Psychiatrists, Medical Scientists, and Government Officials said about Health in their own esoteric journals, and or, via the public broadcasting media.

Score

What People who read medical textbooks find in their attempt to understand and cure their own ailments

Score
 That patients with the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome were suffering from mere tiredness caused by psychological problems according to psychological tests.    That patients with the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome were suffering from abnormally low aerobic capacity and metabolic conditions which can be measured by a variety of ergometric and biochemical tests.  
 That patients with the chronic fatigue syndrome were mollycoddled and protected from the rigors of sport as children, and were afraid to exercise when they were adults, and that the condition can be cured with a graduated exercise training programme (GET).    That many professional sportsmen, athletes, marathon runners, Olympians, and world record holders develop the chronic fatigue syndrome and have to cease their activities, and most of them regain some health but never properly recover.  
 That women with menstrual pain were neurotic whingers who complained about trivial pain that normal women ignored.    That menstrual pain is caused by menstrual cramps which vary in severity from woman to woman, and it has been possible to measure the severity of those cramps for more than 100 years.  
 That Repetitive Strain Injury is a brand new condition and is a psychological disorder which only affected typists in the Australian Public Service who faked pain to get workers compenstion.    That Repetitive Strain Injury has been the most common occupational illness in the Western World since the Industrial Revolution affecting more than 100 different types of occupation because of the increased development of production line factory work and task specialisation which requires more repetitive work. It also affects children who use keyboards excessively to play computer games, and teenagers who use the keypad excessively to send text messages on their mobile phones, and it has crippled some professional sportsmen and is the most common condition affecting musicians.  
 That the pain of Whiplash Injury is all in the mind as proveable by the absence of evidence of an injury in x-ray studies.    That Whiplash Injuries are real physical injuries which cannot be detected by x-rays, but some are evident on more sophisticated diagnostic tests.  
 That the epidemic of whiplash injuries in the 1970's and 1980's was an example of mass hysteria which was effectively treated by psychotherapy.    That whiplash injuries were common in rear end car crashes in the 1970's and 1980's because the driver in the front car had his head and neck thrown violently forward and backwards like the lash of a whip. Since then laws have been passed which make it compulsory for car manufacturers to include shock absorbing crumple zones in the front of the vehicle, and head rests at the top of the seats to prevent the head from being thrown backwards, and seat belts to prevent the body from being thrown forward.  
 That according to dental authorities the mercury in teething powders was not the cause of Pink Disease.   That teething powders have been known to cause Pink Disease in babies for more than 50 years and that is now regarded as an accepted fact.  
 That the common cold is not caused by exposure to cold breezes so patients who avoid cold draughts and wear warm clothing in winter are wasting their time and are typical overcautious hypochondriacs.    That the common cold is actually caused by an infectious virus but most people have experienced the development of a sore throat and a cold after being exposted to a cold draught. Epidemics of the common cold occur more commonly in winter when the earth temperature is lower than normal and cold breezes are more frequent, and some hospitals routinely keep patients warm immediately after surgery because the warmth improves the function of the immune system and reduces the incidence of post-operative infections of all types.  
 That the typical health problems suffered by nineteenth century women of the Western world were not caused by their tight waisted corsets but were one of histories most convincing examples of mass hysteria where women could faint at will, and suffered from a large catalogue of unexplainable illnesses. Nowadays women can safely wear corsets without any known or any scientifically proven risk to their health.    That the incidence of health problems in nineteenth century women were directly related to the tightness of their wasp-waisted corsets. Such corsets compressed the heart and lungs so that the women often felt breathless and faint. They also crushed the stomach and one of the most common illnesses was called "Nervous Indigestion". In some women the corset pushed the spleen from the chest down into the pelvis and split the liver in two. Some women wore corsets to crush their wombs and induce abortions but occasionally the womb developed gangrene and the mother and baby died. The general longevity of women was also related to the tightness of their corsets and the life expectancy of 13 inch corset wearers was 35 years. 13 inch corsets were mass produced and could be purchased off the rack in most London dress shops. They were virtually banned after a decade of heated debates between corset critics and corset manufacturers which ended in 1904, and most women stopped wearing them by 1914, after which the incidence of womens diseases began to drop dramatically.  
 That some leafy green vegetables contain rough fibres which irritate the gut and cause constipation, and that the relief from constipation which vegetarians claim to get by eating foods which contain roughage is 'all in the mind'.    That roughage consists of vegetable fibre which absorbs moisture and swells up in the gut like a soft moist sponge and it is more easily moved through the intestines than the hard compacted material that results from eating non-fibrous foods. The fact that roughage relieves constipation is now widely accepted and recommended as a treatment by the mainstream medical profession.  
 The Industrial Dermatitis is due to a psychological disorder in workers which can be cured by psychotherapy.    That Industrial Dermatitis is also called Contact Dermatitis and is caused by exposure to toxic chemicals in the workplace, and the condition is often incurable and can only be treated by avoiding exposure to the chemical.  
 That Agent Orange was safe enough to drink and was not the cause of health problems in Vietnam Veterans.    That Agent Orange, as used in the Vietnam War, contained Dioxin which causes at least 16 different types of cancer, birth defects in offspring, and other health problems, and in 2004 Dioxin was mixed into a bowl of soup in an attempt to assassinate Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko.  
 That Maralinga Fallout is harmless    That Maralinga Fallout causes cancer and some of the contaminated soil in the Maralinga desert has been removed by the government at great expense.  
 That after the Cheronoby nuclear accident the local citizens were suffering from symptoms caused by a contagious stomach virus.    That after the Chernobyl nuclear accident the local citizens were suffering from radiation sickness which was caused by nuclear fallout.  
 That the Gulf War Syndrome was all in the mind, and not the result of exposure to environmental contamination in Iraq, because scientific tests on the hair of individual cases did not reveal any evidence of uranium in Gulf War Veterans.    That uranium is not found in human hair and that the correct way for testing is to examine urine. Independent tests of the urine of Gulf War Syndrome veterans recently revealed high levels of urnanium contamination.  
 That the symptoms of Shellshock are caused by cowardice.    That a world war I soldier was granted a bravery medal at his bedside while in a military hospital being treated for shellshock.  
 That the symptoms of Shellshock are caused by cowardice, and one of the symptoms can be deafness in one ear.    That the symptoms of Shellshock can involve deafness in one ear, where the deafness occurs in the ear on the side of the exploding grenade or bomb.  
 That Shellshock is caused by the fear of battle and involves nightmares and other psychological symptoms which are due to a personality disorder involving an inablility to cope with the responsibilities of adult life.     That some bombs produce a type of shockwave which pass through the human body to cause the symptoms of Shellshock which include deafness, blindness, muteness, spasms, tics, paralysis, and nervouseness and fatigue which are sometimes chronic. Army engineers have designed a bomb to produce the type of shockwaves which cause shellshock to cripple and disable enemy soldiers.  
 That in the opinion of plastic surgeons women who were complaining about the side effects of leaking Silicon Breast Implants were neurotics and hysterics whose problems were trivial.    That in the opinion of a court the women who organised a class action law suit were entitled to several billion dollars compensation for the suffering caused by leaking Silicon Breast Implants, which was well known to the manufacturing company but deliberately concealed and denied for 30 years, and the sale of those implants has since been discontinued.  
 That chronic peptic ulcers (stomach and duodenal ulcers) are due to psychological stress and that 95% of cases can be cured by psychotherapy for one hour each week for 10 years. According the the best medical opinion available it was not possible for stomach ulcers to be caused by bacteria because the stomach acid would kill any bacteria which entered the stomach.    That psychotherapy invariably failed in the treatment of peptic ulcers and in the 1990's the real cause was found to be an acid resistant bacteria, and 90% of cases can now be cured within a week by antibiotics. The Australian doctors who discovered the real cause were awarded the nobel prize for medicine in 2005, and said in news conferences that they had a lot of difficulty convincing their colleagues of their findings.  
 That the cause of most cases of chronic abdominal pain is not evident on x-rays and therefore must be trivial and have an imaginary or psychological basis.    That many causes of chronic abdominal pain go undetected for 20 years or more despite dozens of tests because there are still many undetectable causes. One such cause is sliding hernias which are not evident at the time of the test, or because the cause of pain is not evident until the injury progresses. Also when sliding hernias are found there is no relationship between the severity of the hernia and the severity of pain, and there are examples of minor injuries causing the worst pain which is sometimes completely cured by corrective surgery. There are also other causes which are not found until they are eventually detected by advances in diagnostic technology.  
 That chronic back pain which is not evident on x-rays must be all in the mind    That many cases of chronic back pain are called Postural Back Pain which is not evident on x-rays except for, in many cases, clear signs of abnormal spinal curvature, which often co-exist in persons who have occupations which involve prolonged abnormal postural positions, such as sitting at a desk, leaning over a bench, or repeatedly bending to lift heavy objects.  
 That people can use the power of their mind to walk on a path of hot coals.    That some con-men become very wealthy by charging thousands of dollars per person to walk across a path of hot coals under the pretence that it can be achieved by using the power of the mind, when in fact, the cheap stunt is designed by using a variety of deceptions. These include asking the person to dance up and down on dewy grass to get their feet wet before the walk, walking fast so that the feet do not stay on the coals long enough for the heat to get through the tough skin of the foot, and choosing wood which burns at low temperatures, and performing the stunt at night so that the burning embers look much more dangerous than they actually are.  
 That there is no scientific proof that tobacco smoke causes lung cancer.    That tobacco companies deliberately concealed evidence that tobacco smoke caused lung cancer, and that the vast majority of tobacco company executives did not smoke, and that many famous radio, TV, and movie stars did smoke and earned a lucrative income by doing paid advertising commercials for tobacco companies, and have since died of throat or lung cancer.  
That nicotine in cigarettes is psychologically addictive and not chemically addictive.    That tobacco companies deliberately increased the nicotine levels in cigarettes in order to create chemical addiction in smokers for the purpose of increasing their sales and profits.  
 That valium is prescribed to relieve pain by treating anxiety, and that valium is psychologically addictive.     That valium relieves symptoms such as back pain because it is a muscle relaxant, and that one of its harmful side effects is chemical addiction.  
 That deep vein thrombosis is not more prevalent in aircraft passengers than it is in the general population.    That oxygen concentration in passenger jets is significantly lower than it is at sea level, and that low oxygen concentration tends to make blood thick and sticky. Also the design of the airline seats puts pressure on the passengers thighs and tends to trap that thick blood in the lower legs. The stagnant blood then tends to clot causing pain in the legs, or the clot can spread to the lungs or brain and cause death. As at 6-4-2000 30,000 British passengers developed flight induced blood clots each year. Also the purity of air in first class cabins is 7 times better than it is in economy. The aviation industry has concealed this information from the public because of the risk of attracting compensation claims and of discouraging air travel, both of which reduce industry profits.  
 That the issues discussed in this colum are trivial, imaginary, and rare.    That the health issues discussed in this test are real, serious, and common.  
 That medical opinion can be trusted because it is given by honest, academically trained, highly qualified and respected people who apply the strict principles of evidence, science, and statistics, and assess information in a comprehensive, independent, and objective manner which is subject to peer review.    That people who believe everything which is said in the name of medicine, science, or officialdom, are as gullible as those who believe everything that they read in newspapers, hear on the radio, or see on television. Also that doctors are often employed for their respectable and trustworthy public image, and then promoted to give them authority over their peers, and then paid to tell company or government lies, usually sophisticated lies involving half truths, prevarications, misleading statements, and rigged statistics which are presented as media releases, and then edited by medically unqualified journalists, and broadcast in the name of truth.  
That patients who read medical books or who surf the internet to get information about health in an attempt to cure their own illness are suffering from trivial and imaginary ailments and have an unnecessary and irrational interest in their health.   That patients read medical books and surf the internet in an attempt to cure their own illnesses out of necessity because they have already been to a variety of doctors for many years, all to no avail.  

 Total Score for doctors, psychiatrists, medical scientists, and government officials
 

 Total Score for patients who read medical articles
 

The Gullibility Test

Do you know your own mind and are you capable of thinking for yourself; This self-test can be used to determine that.
Regarding the following 10 questions; Would you believe . . .

 Yes

 No
 An insurance company psychiatrist who said that the pain of whiplash injury was all in the mind.    
 A tobacco company doctor who said that nicotine addiction was all in the mind.    
 A factory doctor who said that repetitive strain injury was all in the mind.    
 An army doctor who said that illness related to Agent Orange was all in the mind.    
 A government doctor who said that sickness related to Maralinga Fallout was all in the mind.    
 A plastic surgeon who said that the side effects of leaking silicon breast implants were all in the mind.    
 An airline doctor who said that sickness related to passenger jet travel was all in the mind.    
 A toxic chemical company doctor who said that itching skin was all in the mind.    
 A male gynecologist who said that menstrual pain was all in the mind.    
 A doctor who said that patients who read medical books in an attempt to understand and cure their own ailments would be better off trusting a qualified physician.    

 Total (You do the maths)
   

The Doctors Honesty Test (10 questions)

This test will explain why some patients do not trust doctors, and why they will never rely on, or be dependent on medical opinion, and will not believe anything that a doctor tells them unless the facts can be independently confirmed from other more objective and reliable sources.

Would you tell your patient the truth if . . .

 Yes

 No
 If you thought that your patients symptoms were imaginary and that you were just prescribing placebos.    
 If you knew that there was nothing that you could do for your patients and that they were wasting their time and money consulting you.    
 If you thought that your patients symptoms were caused by anxiety and that telling them would make them more anxious.    
 If your patient was complaining about symptoms which you knew were the side effect of drugs which you mistakenly prescribed.    
 If your patient was suffering from serious post operative complications caused by your negligence or mistakes.    
 If you thought that the injury or illness suffered by your patient was a common problem caused by their occupation, and that telling them would result in financial problems for the local factory or the national economy.    
 If you were under instruction from the government to conceal the truth about the effects of a major problem such as nuclear fallout.    
 If you were given a million dollar secret inducement from a major tobacco or drug company to conceal the truth, or if revealing the truth would threaten your job or your research career path.    
If you gave your patient your professional opinion about the cause of their illness and you knew that it was a subject of great debate for the past few thousand years and that there has never been any decisive evidence to confirm your opinion.    
 If you failed to provide preventative information, or if you withheld essential information for one reason or another, or if you told ill or well-founded lies which contributed to the patients illness, especially where you then failed to cure that illness.    

 Total (You do the maths)
   

 Would you be confident enough in your own honesty to provide a link to the tests on this website for your colleagues or patients to see???

Do you believe that you can hide the truth from all of your patients, or that those who find the truth should keep your secrets, and that it would be in their best interests to do so???

Think for yourself

272. It has been widely promoted that hypochondriacs are gullible people whose minds are easily influenced, which is why they believe in the useless treatments of naturopaths, and why their symptoms are relieved by placebo tablets which contain useless inert substances like sugar . . . If hypochondriacs are so gullible then why can't doctors convince them that their symptoms are imaginary, and if placebos are so effective, then why do hypochondriacs go from doctor to doctor for many years before reading medical books and trying to cure their own ailments . . . Who are doctors trying to fool, the patient, the public, or themselves?

Some jokes about hypochondria

256. Did you hear the one about the doctor who accidentally told the truth about disease? . . . 50 million hypochondriacs didn't believe him.

257. Did you hear the one about the doctor who said that patients who read medical books were insane? . . . 50 million hypochondriacs thought that he was an idiot.

258. Did you hear the one about the hypochondriac who thought that he could get sympathy from doctors . . . He hadn't been around for long.

259. "I read that hypochondriacs fake symptoms to get sympathy from doctors; what do you think about that???" said the pesky journalist to the hypochondriac . . . and the hypochondriac replied "You need to stop reading fiction and start reading material which will improve your mind; try comics".

260. "Hypochondriacs read medical text book because they are afraid that their trivial symptoms are caused by serious illness and won't accept a wise doctors reassurance; what have you got to say about that???" said the pesky journalist . . . and the hypochondriac replied "I'll tell you when I stop laughing".

270. "What makes you think that you can find the cause of your symptoms if I can't???" said the puzzled doctor . . . and the hypochondriac replied "Well Doc, you know that I know that there are some things that you know that you can't tell me, and that there are some clues that I have that you don't have; take pain for instance!, and that you are often too busy to tell me everything that you know, and that you have got the rest of the world convinced that I don't have real symptoms . . . so if I don't find the cause; who the ruddywell else will, you silly galah!".

279. What can a doctor say to a patient who has never read a medical book in their life? . . . anything he wants to say . . . and what type of diagnosis can he give them? . . . any diagnosis that he wants to give them.

282. If no patients read medical books they have their backs to the wall, but if a lot of patients read medical books they keep doctors on their toes.

285. "They tell me that you are afraid of disease" said the pesky journalist to the hypochondriac . . . "What a load of rubbish" said the hypochondriac . . . "Then why do you read medical books" said the pesky journalist . . . and the hypochondriac replied "Listen sport; not that it is any of your business, but I can remember when I was in pain and a doctor told me that there was no evidence of disease so I should ignore it, and I took his advice, and it got worse, much worse, and he still couldn't find a cause, and then he told me that I should still ignore it. Of course, then I can remember when a doctor prescribed me drugs where the side effects were worse than the disease being treated, and when the problem got worse he wanted me to take a larger dose; and then again, I can remember when I was crippled by surgery and three months later, while reading a medical book in the local library, I found out how to prevent the pain; so as you can clearly see, I'm not afraid of disease, you silly galah; I'm afraid of doctors!!!"

286. "So then, you say that you are afraid of doctors" said the pesky journalist to the hypochondriac, and he added "Does that fear make you hyperventilate and feel sick?" . . . "Certainly not!" said the hypochondriac indignantly . . . "Then what effect does it have?" said the pesky journalist . . . and the hypochondriac replied "It makes me a medical critic; you silly galah".

287. "Can you tell me da twoof about hypochondria?" said the pesky journalist to the doctor . . . and the doctor replied "Certainly sport; I'll be very pleased to; in fact it's very simple; you see; if a patient has a problem and you can't detect it, or measure it, or cure it, deny it's existence; and then deny, deny, deny until the cows come home; you silly galah" . . . "And what do you call that type of treatment?" said the pesky journalist . . . and the doctor replied "Evidence Based Care!" . . . "but that doesn't sound fair" said the pesky journalist . . . "No" said the doctor, "but it is practical".

Alterantive punch line for "Evidence Based Care" . . . It means "If we can't find evidence of disease; we don't care".

290. According to a recent survey statistics showed that one of Australia's largest newspaper chains published 123 articles on heart disease, 475 on diabetes, 210 on asthma, 23 on migraines, 142 on headaches, 746 on women's ailments, 2164 on diseases of television and movie stars, 426 on diseases of business leaders and politicians, and a massive 74,361 articles on 326 different diet related health problems . . . In order to learn more about this very interesting statistical data the hypochondriac made an appointment to see the managing editor, the one with the long grey beard and the walking stick, the one called Mr. S. Galar, the 40 year old who smoked and drank prolifically and looked 70, the old fashioned printing bloke, and Mr. Galar said "Hey sport, what is a miserable, whinging, health obsessed galah like you doing here?" . . . and the hypochondriac replied "what do you mean health obsessed buddy?" . . . and the editor Mr. Galar said "well, how many medical books have you read this week?" and the hypochondriac replied "Listen sport, I haven't had time to read any medical books at all!" . . . "Why not?" said the puzzled Mr. Galar . . . and the hypochondriac replied "because I have been flat out like a lizard drinking just writing one page of doctor jokes a day; you silly galah"

These jokes are presented with the courtesy of Sir Chondriac, the hypochondriac with the world's most vivid imagination, the one who is a figment of the medical professions imagination, the one who has read a lot of medical books and laughs about it, the one who is megabytes ahead of the old fashioned silly printing galahs.

Click here to see more jokes about hypochondria.

 Add this page to your favourites

The Posture Theory Homepage

Return to the top of the this page